Break-ups! Search For Love!
Saturday, May 15th, 2010Okay soo Here Goes… We all want to be Loved! Corny as that statement is… It is Factual! Don’t get me wrong there are Many Forms of love… Family, Friends, but we really are searching for the love of a Partner!
Partner being the other person in your life that you Love Unconditionally, and it is returned the same way! I will even go as far as to say your Best friend, because you share moments, secrets, and dreams with that person with the intent of a Future together.
Key word being Intent… The road to Heartbreak is often paved with good intentions??… I have been in only serious relationships for a large majority of my life, and porn No Different!
Let’s take this in Steps….
First step, what do I look for in my Ideal Guy… well… I am pretty open… I have dated all colors, heights, sizes (tummy reference), but normally the first thing that will get me is a Smile!! I am a sucker for a wicked smile… the type that just says, “I’m trouble!” or has a sort of arrogance to it. Followed by personality, I love to laugh, if someone can’t take jokes, or make them…. the door is right there! I do prefer taller guys, but I feel if I try to make this “mold” of some non-existent person, I could close the door on someone who is perfect!
Pre- Porn Relationships….
From my exit of High School to joining Porn, we’re talking Class of 2000 to October 15, 2007, I was in 3 serious relationships Classified as the Cheater, the Pleaser, and the Dirty Secret (yep I said it lol)
The cheater I met when I started working as a Rental Manager for Harley-Davidson, he was a Bouncer *Red Flag I know now!* and sold parts at AutoZone… my mom went in to buy parts for her car, he helped her out… when she was returning the parts that were incorrect lol… she asked if he was single, he was, so she sent me in to buy something like Wet Sand Paper to meet him… I did, he was Bald, 5’10, pretty good build, tattoos everywhere, blue eyes, and he gave me that smile, so we started dating, it lasted almost two years. We were two very “passionate” people, we feed off chemistry, when I found out he was banging some random broad at the club I told him to Fuck Off… but the chemistry was still there… I probably would have Married him, but I helped him achieve his of owning a Harley! We got into a fight one day because I didn’t trust him and he went out drinking with His Club and While Intoxicated on the 15 fwy, he got a High speed wobble, when he sped up to stabilize, the rear tire exploded; and he was found in a 3inch pool of his own blood. We were told he would never be more than a Vegetable and to pull the plug… My response to that and his mother was “He was too stubborn of an Asshole to give up fighting!” He suffered a frontal lobe trauma where the nerves tear from the brain *which later caused Thrashing Seizures while the nerves tried to repair* I was there while he remained in a coma for 9 months… I wrote a daily journal of his progresses… when he started to heal he was not the same man I knew, and his mother Thanked Me for loving him, but asked me to please move on!
Not looking I found the next one, had a lot of hair, 6’3, city worker, big belly lol, strong not defined, and he had that smile… he had to wait a long time for me to open up to him… of which he was more than willing to do… and I started falling for him. He was my Bear would fight anyone who looked at me wrong or didn’t treat me like a lady if I wanted, but the sweetest guy who only wanted to make me happy! So much so he knew I was saving for Boobs and helped me get them! He was repayed EVERY PENNY! We were Happy, Loved each other, but when it all came to the point where he set up a life for him to be able to take care of EVERYTHING I needed, I didn’t jump!
Then the Last one which lead me to porn! Lol Joking… Kinda… This one went from a city worker to General Contractor while we dated. It as well lasted little over 2 years, he was 6’4, bald, Tattoos everywhere, big belly but big arms, and that smile! We shared the Chemistry of me and the first one… my mother warned me… and I did it anyways! I went up and down with this one but mainly because he Craved sex with multiple girls, so he’d break up with me so he could fuck them without cheating, and then wanted me to accept that somehow it was my fault… Ummm NO! When it came time to commit fully… I did kinda, but I was miserable!
I even lied to him and went to the AVN expo in the January of 2006, went with a Manager from the Dealership who is a HUGE Porn Fan… I didn’t know what it was exactly, but his wife was going and others so I went! Here’s where I made the Connection to porn… I waited in lines with him for a pix with Jenna Jameson, then in Vivid’s Line, then in Digital’s, and the one I found most interesting Wicked… Why? Well Brooke Banner (had no clue who she was then) was there she said I was Hot and if I ever wanted to get in she’d do my first girl/girl Lol LIAR!! =P Then we got on Stage where Randy Spears was signing he smiled at me asked if I was going to get in to the Business, My friend then said how would she go about doing that? Randy handed me one of his cards and wrote LA Direct Models on the Back of it said to contact him or this is the place to go! So yes I am totally understanding of the waiting in Lines for autographs of porn girls and yes a couple left so waiting for nothing… I ended up adding on Myspace lol La Direct Models… Never went any further until October!
When October hit, I was not happy with the dealership, I was not happy with my guy, I wanted to make some money to start my own dealership… How can I make a good amount of money in a short amount of time… Myspace… yes I can come down for a meeting… I went into La Direct Models as scared as I could ever be!
Derek had me come into the office, asked me standard questions, do you transportation, are you sure you want to do this, and then Please take off your clothes! WTF I had never taken my clothes off for a stranger before… I swear my heart was beating thru my chest! He complimented my boobs, had me turn around and asked me to place my fingers under my butt cheeks… I don’t even want to think how badly I did that… said he can only assume at max I’d shoot three scenes a month, but if I wanted to do this he would take me on! I signed a 1 yr contract, introduced me to everyone, Fran scared the hell out of me lol, and I went to AIM to test the next morning and shot Brand New Faces #2 for Vivid with B. Skow as the director and VooDoo as the Male talent! I was scared, I tore from his huge cock, but the sex was good so I decided to see what would happen next!
The Scene going good and Derek finding out I enjoyed sports would lead me to attend my first “porn get together” which was a UFC 77 Party! At this party I was nervous, but sat next to Derek because we were talking about the fighters, and out of Nowhere a 6’5 bald headed guy wearing a white Manuel Ferarra shirt comes in… I was like Wow! Who is that! Of Course it was none other than Christian XXX, the man I would spend the next two and a half years trying to make it work with!
I have dated 3 people from then til now, one other male talent, one director, and Christian! In the end it always came back to him… We’d split up because I would make a foolish decision knowing it the outcome would not be beneficial to the relationship or myself and he would push me away. But if you look at www.christiansingstheblues.com it documents his year in 2008, but we rang in 2009 together in Texas.
I can Truly say I loved him Unconditionally, I wouldn’t work with people he didn’t like or want me to, I gave up “Friendships” *in porn that term is used very loosely, he would work with whoever he wanted and I had to accept it, I would and did do anything he wanted… in the end I feel he just wanted me to go…
So now I am healing, and starting to see that I there are probably going to be a lot more tears before I find the right one… and to find someone willing to accept me for me and not just Phoenix Marie will be hard… but I am still a firm believer in everyone will find their happy ending…. ;p and not like that Lol!